Friday, March 6, 2009

Nintendo are Assholes

In a desire to actually enjoy a damn game, I bought a rare copy of Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes to play on my Wii. I also bought a GameCube controller.

So, tonight, as a reward for playing through that last piece of shit and getting the review out, I inserted the tiny disc in the giant slot on the front of the Wii, plugged in the controller, and settled back on a chair pulled up a measly five feet from the TV. By the way, did you know that controllers used to have wires? Whoda thunkit?

I booted up Twin Snakes and was presented with a screen: No Memory Card present in either Slot A or Slot B. Retry or Continue? wat!? I say? Okay, well, I must have to create a "memory card" back in the Wii's configuration.

So, I restart the console and go to Data Management. The screen informs me that I have nothing inserted in either Slot A or Slot B. "I know, you dipshit, that's what I'm trying to configure." I search for a "create memory card" button, but none is to be found. So I go looking around in Configuration.

About this time my wife, who's been watching and googling, informs me that the Wii needs a "GameCube memory card to save GameCube game progress".

"But, there's no place to put one," I protest.

"On the side, where you plugged in the controller," she replies firmly.

"No, no, there isn't," I say as I poke at the console with growing pissiness. And then I see it. The door that I didn't see before. The door could and should have opened when I opened the first GameCube-related door. Way back in the back. Behind the pickled pigs feet and the weird Asian thing in a can that nobody I know can identify. Another door, filled with GameCube memory card slots.

"Fuck you, Nintendo! Fuck you right in your fucking warp pipe! You couldn't spend 8 cents a unit on a fucking interconnect chip to the flash memory? You couldn't pull a sweet software hack? You couldn't even use the damn SD card slot isntead? You dog fuckers!" I screamed, indignant in my rage.

The WalMart doesn't have a memory card. I have to wait until tomorrow to go see if GameStop does. Fuck.

Remind me again why I bought this damn thing? This was going to be the first game I've played on my Wii in about eighteen months. And it's a GameCube game.

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